perfectness

Maybe the whole relationship isn't really for me.

Not talking about my ex. It just, well, i'm dating like a bunch of guy after him. None of them is really really can make me want to stay in a relationship, and none of them is making me have butterflies in my tummy.

There are few guys i like recently, but that's it.

If only i can make them becoming one person (not three), i would like him a lot =p.

So love isn't really my thing, i guess. Again, all of my life is actually not meant to get what i want and what i really love, because i kept on getting what i don't really want and love. Seems like life being so not fair to me.

I can see my friends happy with what they have, but i could not just happy with what i have. They happy, because most of them get what they want, at least what they love. But me, *sigh*, i don't think that three years will be enough.

Anyway, kemaren akhirnya gw gereja bo ! Ya oloh ! Setelah segini lamanya ngga menginjak yang namanya gereja, agak lucu juga.

Pas malem lagi ngobrol sama Mark (of of the three), dia nanya gw ngapain aja seharian. Ya cerita lah pagi ketemu sama temen bentar, siang ketemu sama the girls (dan dapet kenalan baru, namanya astrid =p) gereja bareng berempat, sorenya balik, dinner bareng di den haag, terus jalan dikit mampir ke bar (Dudok -can believe that i actually spent my time there, since i'm a (not) doing napak tilas novel Negeri van Orange =p), but i did. And it was nice. Si Anggun agak ngomel pas gw mesen Baileys yang kedua, takut dia repot bawa gw pulang klo gw mabok, buset deh nggun, ngga mungkin mabok kaleeee.... Si merry juga mengiyakan klo gw ngga bakal mabok karena dia udah pernah ngeliat gw minum =D. Ngga lama di Dudok, soalnya astrid dan merry musti pulang ke kota masing2, oia, si rifka muncul di Dudok, soalnya di sms si anggun ngasih tau kita di Dudok =D.

Lucu juga menyadari klo gw baru bener2 maen sama anak Indonesia pas mau pulang, perasaan dulu2 kerjaan gw klo libur klo ngga maen ke kota laen, ya, yaa... =p. Paling ketemu orang indo cuman dewi seorang, atau ngga irma, pas si dewi lagi balik ke indo.

Menyadari kalau bentar lagi gw selesai di belanda, gw semakin semakin ngga mau pulang. Dulu gw pikir karena si pacar(ex), tapi ternyata, setelah makin kesini setelah putus, bukan si pacar(ex) yang bikin gw mau menetap, dan si mala emang bener dengan pernyataan dia tentang gw di status fbnya beberapa waktu yang lalu :

" Dia terlanjur jatuh cinta dengan eropa."

Because i am.

And i think, i'm in love with Europe since i was a kid. I remember that i always want to live in France someday when i was a kid, married french guy, and then live in Bordeaux. My house will going to be a castle (hihi), where the family of my husband has their own grape plantation and also has their home wine factory. We have three kids, the first are twins boy and the second is a girl. And i'm working from home mom since i dream to be a success author since i was a kid so i still can watch and take care the kids with my own. I remember i always thought that i'm going to get married when i reach my 28 of age. I still have three years to make it happen, i know, but i don't think three years is enough to build a new relationship, the really serious one. The one that the guy wont query me a lot about my seriousness (is this actually a word ??anyway...)to him and to our future. and then when i reached 19, when i found out about au pair, i add something to my dream, that i want to have an au pair so my kids will learn many language from her and i will treat her like what i always want to be treated if i were an au pair (and now since i'm an au pair, i know how exactly it is =p).

So many dreams i think about my future family. The other one is, that even we live in france, we still have some small house in Indonesia, in Lombok, for specifi, the place where we're going to live whenever we're going back to Indonesia to do some indonesian family visit and vacation of course.

But now, i have to change a few.

Your dream is like a blueprint of your journey of life. You can make it as perfect as you want. But then while you going through your life, you will change a bit (or even a lot) of your blueprint. You'll add something more details that you haven't thought about it before or because things change in your life because unfortunately it isn't going like what you plan before, to make it not just perfect (well, since nothing perfect in this life, so lets say, perfect in the nowadays world standard -make a perfectness from imperfect-) but also applicable in life you live in.

Until it's perfect.

Perfectness in imperfect.

Ever since i'm asking why, i start questioning myself about why i'm still asking the "why" question. I knew things won't be perfect, it's life. I just can't accept the fact that i actually failed.

So now maybe i have to learn to stop asking why, but instead of asking why, i just think with cold brain and change the blueprint.

Loves might hurt when you failed. But it's not the end of the world. It's not the reason why the Greatest Art created you. You were here for some reason that bigger than that. Finding someone that meant to be with you is not the end of your world, so if you couldn't find him/her now, it doesn't mean that your world stopping. You gotta keep it spinning.

It's not your destiny. Your destiny is bigger than that.

And you know what i'm missed for all these months ?

I forgot about the fact that my blueprint will trully guide me to find my destiny.

YOUR BLUEPRINT will guide you to find your destiny.

SO no matter how old you are now, if you haven't have your blueprint, you still can make it.

Map your life how you want it to be. And change it when things changes (because nothing really stay forever).

So now my question is,

"how's your blueprint ?"